He has to be someone like me, only older and wiser.
He needs to show me that it is OK to try to be a good father, that it is OK not to feel 'normal'.
He also needs to remind me to stop being perfect. We all feel down at times. We shout and we ask for forgiveness.
So far I have come across fathers in academia that regret not having spent enough time with their children.
And mothers who encourage me to make the best of this time and spend more time with my children.
A good mentor at work also praised my bravery and invited me to recognise that last year was though and that things are improving. He does not believe in that idea of work life balance.
He seems to believe in doing what you can, but most of all, looking after oneself.
This week I met someone who is older and seems to be wiser.
He is also an academic.
In second conversation, he let slip that he was the one with a flexible job and able to spend more time with their children. He criticised those colleagues who set time apart to do that.
In his view this was a way of NOT spending time with children.
This was enlightening.
For the last year I have been trying to carefully plan life, and to make miracles with time.
Only to realise and be told off by loved ones that things don't work that way and that I still try to be perfect.
I am learning that all I can do is to look after myself. To take breaks and go for walks. To say NO to many things and people I believed I could not. To be an OK guy.
Okness keeps showing up in my list of priorities.
That is all I can do.
And then the rest can take of itself.
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