He is not coming back

The guy who used to work like a machine, dance for hours without feeling tired, the one who stood up to everything he saw unfair...

He is not coming back.

After a few years of parenthood, he is more irritable, prone to anger and a bit wider than before.

He waits a bit more, he is resigned not to go to the top in short time, he is a bit more careful with his energy.

He is, after all, older. 

This guy has had to accept that others before him have now the upper hand. That he is still seen as different. That his father before him did not have the choice (or the temptation) to bit his lips and walk away from battles.

He is finding satisfaction in achieving the mundane. Happy to wake up and accept bad moods. Happy to be able to cook a meal, be with the children for a while watching the television, and leave early or dissappear to take a nap. 

So he is not coming back...to his old ways.  He simply can't.

The other me(s)

Another performance, I mean another day out with the kids.  I am supposed to look calm, in control, even cheerful of spending this time with them.

Like a performance, it takes a couple of hours, and can leave me exhausted.   Also because I keep monitoring the kids and myself. 

I enjoy some of it.  Meeting other fathers, seeing people, feeling part of something bigger.  But I get anxious about not fitting in.

Today my daughter changed my anxiety for fun.  I was supposed to be the good dad, always taking the initiative.  Instead she just coached me to do some exercise.

So it was not the academic me, the father me, the foreign me.  It was just me.  Having fun.

Warning: don't try to fit too much

In my quest to fit within a foreign environment I have burnt myself in the last two weeks.

I am a father of twins and this means lots of energy are spent in thinking, doing, and overcoming anxieties.

On top of that I wanted to be a DIY father so I took on a few chores involving painting, filling, cutting and cleaning.

My energy levels were good and I felt I needed to do something about my house.

DIY or Do It Yourself is part of the culture of the environment I live in. 

There are big shops selling DIY materials and tools. Enter one of these shops and you feel that you have to prove your worth. 

So far I have done DIY things only to find that I am exhausted and that I don't like much of it.

I will finish what I can.

Again the superman has taken over me. Pity. 

If there is anything to learn is that I do not need to fit too much into DIY culture at my own expense as a father and as a man. 

Crossing bridges

The fathers of today have to deal with at least two very different worlds.

One of love and care, that requires us to weather the storms; to live with sleep deprivation; to gulp good food at the first opportunity before children notice; and to strive to provide for the immediate family. I say strive because I am always on the run, at least in my anxious mind. 

The other world is that of competition. We are expected to give it our best. Again I feel am always in the run to the next race, and the next, and the next...

There could be many more worlds. We can include the world where we were born. Or worlds about hobbies, social circles or fraternities. Modern life and the desire to run in life helps us to move between worlds if not create new ones for ourselves. 

For those like me who keep running in life  whenever we cross between worlds we could feel guilty. And guilt comes from  leaving behind people we like and we love (including ourselves). Guilt can also come from not spending enough time in any world after all. 

I wish there could be a bridge between worlds that could make us feel less guilty when we use it. 

Or a bridge that could make us feel happier by crossing and staying.

A bridge that could stop us from running around and even stop us from crossing between worlds when we need to stay with the loved ones. 

The eternal day

It's pre-school break. Break from routine, work habits and having something to focus on...

It is a period of readjustment. For everyone in the family. Me getting used to spend more time with twins. Them and wife getting used to see me more.

Waking up and getting up is difficult. Maybe I am letting go of tension and worries. 

Or maybe I am too tired...

Or maybe slow motion is my way of creating a new structure for the days ahead.

All of a sudden I want to read more about things that sound interesting. I want to read novels. And magazines. And watch sci-fi movies. 

As if I needed bit of personal space...as if I feel that I need some rest. 

The day is eternal. The sunlight is changing. Spring seems to have arrived.

Waking up is still difficult...too many things I could be doing...too little time.

Relief and Direction

End of year celebrations are over...thanks God! 

Did not feel particularly excited about end of year. 

I prepared somewhat for celebrations.

I had nice days when we visited or were visited by friends.

I survived days of silence and questioning.  Days of isolation too. 

But it was a lot of energy being spent. 

It was a difficult year and I am glad I found good help to overcome my anxiety as a perfectionist dad.

My anxiety takes over when I want to boardthat imaginary boat of happiness.

The one in which no matter what I do or achieve, it's never enough, because I think other people are doing much better.

Luckily two weeks of rest do the trick of making me feel OK

Having rested I feel a sense of relief, a sense of direction. 

I feel I am ok. 

Morning expectations

Sunday : I woke up today in an apparently good mood. 

Had slept for about seven hours. 

Also when woke up I managed to appease twins for a while with some videos. 

Everything seemed fine. Then I erupted in anger. 

Before this happened I had a lingering I thought: I was seeing myself as being too nice to the twins and to my wife. 

I saw myself as a failure.  But I carried on.

So when I was told off for something I did (leaving a dirty garment at my wife's bed side) I exploded. 

That is me. Unpredictable and moody, driven by perfection, specially in winter time.

After the incident I managed to apologise and then went into a frenzy mode of organising bit of my personal mess in the bathroom. 

I also went into my personal things and did a bit of clearing up.

I was not feeling in control of myself. 

As if the super-me was now in charge.

As I write this post now I feel guilty as well as energetic. 

My brain reworked new expectations for the day. I went to Church with the twins and after I proposed going out for lunch. Then I went to a Zumba party.  

It was too much, luckily I survived the day ! 

One year on I feel I am still not ok. 

But I am more aware of what I do.

I need to come to terms with these mood swings and not try to prove myself all the time. 

Morning expectations still come too high to me.  

I need to be more careful...