Crazy but true, at least for me.
When I take the twins for a trip in the car and to a public place (where else can you take your children in the UK), this camera becomes a live transmission of every detail of myself.
To an audience that does not exist.
But I feel as if everyone is watching.
I feel as if I am continuously judged on my performance as a father. If the twins cry or shout, then I feel as if I have failed. I feel as if people are laughing at me.
The unreal, non-existent audience is saying "look how louse this guy is...he can not handle his twins...no wonder he feels a failure"
And then I get more anxious, clumsy and nervous.
A few Saturday's ago I took the twins to a park.
It was busy so we had to park away from the site and walk. We had to cross a busy road.
On the way back to the car, I struggled to get hold of the twin boy, and he was very close to the kerb of the road. I heard somebody saying "for God's sake, grab his hand". That was exactly what I was trying to do.
And so I did.
But I also did it with some frustration. I got angry because I felt I was not up to the task. I felt judged. I felt distracted. I felt worthless.
As if the hidden camera had live audio form the audience and they were not approving of me or my actions.
Another Saturday I was walking back to the car again, this time chatting with another father. I was carrying the twin girl. Suddenly the other father he rushed when he saw my twin boy running ahead. That was very noble of him. I was about to shout 'Stop!'.
But this time it did not feel as if I was being observed. I felt supported, helped. And for some reason I did not feel judged.
I have shared these feelings with people in support groups. They suggest there are other more benign thoughts I could adopt in such circumstances. For instance, thinking some people value my effort as it is when facing these situations; maybe some people see me as a good father. Or just the thought of me saying to myself: I am a good dad, and no one is perfect, am positively trying. I am caring. Maybe I am slow in reacting, or maybe I already know my twins enough to react the way I do.
What I do not know enough is about myself and how I treat myself. I hope I can turn this hidden camera to face the mirror and see what it sees. Just a normal guy I wonder.
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