At home with the universe

So much for job life.  Almost three weeks without checking work email and getting more used to life at home.

It has not been easy.  I think of myself as the breadwinner of the family and hence I have elevated work to a pedestal.  

Twins have taught me that life is not what I thought it was.  Life is not only about getting paid to pay for what we have or what we consume.  Life (maybe originally) was and is about every day.

It is not about planning and getting things done only.  It is about not doing what we set out to do.

Children easily show their frustration.  But then they can also easily change their focus and do something else.  For them life is about today.  It is about believing what they are told and enjoying what they see or feel.  

So am trying to follow them somehow.  I am writing now without a purpose of getting published.  Am not doing exercise to look better.  Am not going places to impress others in a future conversation.  

Am just trying to unlearn the old routines whilst learning about myself as a father.  

I can be very impulsive and anxious.  Because I keep thinking that I am being observed and judged.  Because I think I need to show my worth every time and with every body.  

Because I was brought up to be successful (intellectually and academically) and from there to be successful in everything I was to do.  

I am the perfectionist and driven father.  

Am trying to be happy with what I have.  And what I have achieved.  

Am struggling to go back to who I have been or to do things I used to (writing fiercely, controlling my budget almost daily, checking my bank account almost daily, doing paperwork, doing, doing, doing).  Have put a temporary stop to it, just trying fewer things, doing different things.

The beginning of the week is the hardest part, as I feel I need to be part of busy life as I see it.

Am trying to be at home with the universe.  But I need to be better at home with myself.