I feel depressed.
It is difficult to accept this, let alone do something about it.
Luckily I have found some support group.
For me the challenge is to leave behind all these grand goals, ideas about myself as a 'chosen one' to be a role model father and person.
I cannot do that. Not anymore.
Life offers choices and I made some which are now taking a toll in my health.
Being a father and doing the best is one of them. The others include living in a foreign country, moving to a new house, getting a mortgage, and surviving in academia.
So repairs will be costly and lengthy. Similar to a car that has not been properly maintained and has been forced to do overtime on the road.
Memory fails, I am very sensitive, irritable, pessimistic about the future. I have a wonderful family, and my biggest fear is to fail them.
On the other hand I am hopeful that I can cope with doing less and being less ambitious. This means setting realistic expectations for myself and my loved ones.
There is the temptation of feeling alright when there is a good and sunny days that makes me forget the bad days. But there are bad days still. Life is full of them. The problem becomes a problem whe the bad days feel exactly the same as the previous bad days.
Luckily also I have a work break. I will read, rest and reflect. Remember hearing this somewhere. It makes sense. I just hope he bad days will not be that many.
And I also hope to be understood a little bit by society.
No comments:
Post a Comment