I had started attending a support group. I could see myself as one of the many people who have problems.
It was good. I could express my tiredness about life in general and acknowledge my own tendency to perfectionism and high expectations, I received encouraging feedback. I promised to say to myself 'I could' instead of 'I should' or 'I must'.
But then I got this email in which my students complained about my work. Unclear, worrying, it triggered anxiety. I could manage it for a while but after I met with some of them I became increasingly worried. I wanted to be liked and valued by my effort but they did not seem to see things in the same way. Some of them though provided other positive feedback.
And one night I woke up with anxiety and could not get back to sleep. The next night I decided that I was going to write an email expressing my feelings and my point of view. And when I got up I felt as if the world had fallen on me. Too much weight that it broke me. I cried.
And I cried again when taking my twins for a walk in the morning. I felt something had broken inside me.
Resolute and sad I went to work on that day and wrote the email. I said I would take on board suggestions from students but also made it clear what I did and what I felt with the indifference I noticed by many of them. I said I was also a human being.
Today I feel better. I cried again last night. I got other feedback from colleagues. Some of them say students often do not see how much effort we put into our work. Others say there is a mismatch of expectations. For me now it is a question of mending my confidence. Luckily I slept better and the sun shone for most of today. I could take my family for a nice trip to the shops and it felt as if this was more important and joyful than what happened during the week.
I am sensitive. I am a broken man. That is how I can put it.
I feel I need to recover slowly. It has been a though year. Because I have tried really hard to do well in every aspect of my life except in looking after myself.
I cannot be as hard as I used to when my soul feels fragile.
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