Stop and think about the meaning of success

I am a perfectionist.  This means that I set out to achieve certain goals in life and I do not rest until I achieve them.

So once upon a time I decided that I wanted to pursue an academic career.  I set out this goal after realising that I really like to read, imagine new things, and design ways to solve social problems.  

This goal requires lots of thinking.  Which I am not sure I can do anymore, not at least in the same way.  

I feel now trapped in the middle of a high speed highway (academic life). I decided to run in this highway because I felt I had the energy, motivation and commitment to do so.  

But now I had to stop and think.

What is success?  

In this academic highway, success seems to be associated with not losing focus, being ruthless with one's time, finding and talking to like minded people, developing a portfolio of ideas to be published, and most of all, continuous and hard work.  

I have searched for ways to manage my academic career now as a dad.  I have read some books that suggest that it is possible to succeed in your academic career and raise children.  It is only a matter of organising one's time very well.  We have to set  realistic targets so that we do not overestimate what we can achieve.

I have also asked colleagues on how they have coped with parenthood.  A common answer is that they rely on their wives/ partners. In practice I see that some of them become very good at being managers of their time and the time of others. Joint authorships, using teaching as a means to research, managing their availability to students, delegating and avoiding unneccesary conflicts.   Maybe I need to learn some of these tricks to manage time and also learn to say no to certain things at home.

But does parenthood bring a temporary or a deep change in one's life?

I am going mad because I do not find some kind of echo within my professional academic community about my concerns and desire to be different. 

Only if we as academics did not live in a state of continuous fear, we would probably enjoy more what we do with our lives as a whole.  

Maybe I also need to redefine what success means to me. 

In order to do so I would first value what I have done and achieved as fantastic, not only as a means to an end (getting to the top of the professional ladder) but as a measure of what I was able to do when I could.  So I will have to give myself a pat in the back for this.  

I do that whenever I look at my single authored book.  Will I be ever able to write another book? Not sure, but for now I am still enjoying the thought that I did.  I am and need to be happy with myself.

Second, I would define myself as someone who can spare time almost unconditionally with my twins.  I would be worried if the unconditionally becomes an exception. Time management is important but not to the point that family becomes another item in the daily or weekly agenda.

Third, I would only spend time on doing things that fulfil me. I love to write some papers and could compromise on writing some things I am asked for.  But the goal of becoming a visible part of a professional community seems to be far away if not totally inadequate to achieve.  

And finally I would invite others to stop and think about what we all have been missing.