It has been now five months since our twins arrived.
Whenever people ask me about the twins I say they are fine, things as they are supposed to be. I would love people to ask my if I am fine. They only ask about the mother and the twins.
Do not get me wrong. I love my twins to bits. They have driven me mad (this is a subject of another post), but then they know how to melt me down. And I love my wife.
My problem is, I do not seem to fit in what appears to be normal for a dad of twins. The world of twins is not made for dads who want to be different from the norm.
In developed societies man is and has to be the king. Nothing is supposed to affect him. More humane things like caring for children are left to women or wives. If you do not follow this mantra you are in trouble.
Developed societies expect you to work, to make use of your education, to produce, to better your life conditions and those of your family. Society provides you with a gamut of services (some of these you pay for, some others are government services you use). This ensures that they can rely on you to continue working. They also provide mums with help.
I only have one role to play. That is being the breadwinner, the one that goes to work and comes home to maybe play with the babies, bathe them, sing them and put them to bed. If I step out of the line, do abnormal things, trouble can start, and I could start going mad.
For me madness started when I tried to do many things. For start, it is not easy to combine a full time job with feeding, changing, buying things, taking the twins to their appointments, aiming to have a fair share of things. I am somehow lucky because of my job. It gives me some flexibility. Still, it is hard.
When I have had the opportunity to speak about my feeligs of tiredness, desperation, frustration, doubt about my career aspirations, irritability and lack of sleep, I have got only one message, mainly as an aside of a conversation: "Do not worry, this is just temporary". "Things will be better once you sleep more". Things will go back to 'normal'. Am sure this is also what they tell you in many post natal courses.
I have looked for answers in some online support groups and in conversations with professionals. I am told that dads occasionally turn up for activities. But that is OK (normal I mean). My health visitor says that it is normal for dads to be there when she comes to their homes the first few times. After, there are dads no more. Normal again.
She asked me "when are you back to work?" I said, I work from home. And next time we met I started providing a job description. Because I felt I was not clear enough. I am somehow abnormal.
Having to explain things, feeling out of place is what makes me go mad. Normal is not designed for dads. Gideon Burrows has an interesting book called "Men can do it!". It is really insightful. Because it shows that the existing 'normal' for dads is very unfair to women. We expect women to suffer a career setback when they become mothers. We also expect them to become housewives, with us just doing the fun stuff (taking babies to do fun things, but not dealing with the real shit at home).
Some of you reading this post might think that that is not entirely true. Other dads take mum's place at home, so she can be the main breadwinner. That is becoming a bit 'normal', under the guise of 'fair' and 'equal'. If we also see a dad with a push chair that makes us feel good, there is a dad doing his share of the normal. So what is your problem? Do your share and "do not beat yourself up!" somebody said to me at work.
Believe me, I am not beating myself up, I am just trying to be different.
I took our twin boy to the hospital to have a scan the other day. First thing I hear from the doctor is "so mum is busy today eh?". Not really. "Mum is looking after our twin girl". I could see the looks of many people on me in the waiting room: "how brave","how useless", or "how unemployed". But for me this is what it means to be normal.
So if you are a dad of twins, brace yourself in the journey to try to fit in or to make a new life for yourself.
Useful advice:
-Read Gideon Burrow's book "Men Can Do It". Recently published in 2013. Unfortunate thing is that when he was interviewed in the BBC breakfast show they were asking him if he found difficult to go back to work (as a normal person). I knew the answer, but it left the sense that this is what to do anyway.
Useless (but well intentioned anyway) advice:
-This is only a temporary situation.
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