Initial signs of madness in dads

I was going to write about depression in dads given that I think I sometimes experience depression. Specially after the birth of the twins. 

However I cannot say exactly if I am depressed, maybe I am just physically and mentally exhausted.

So let us talk about madness instead.  Also because we can say that we are mad and people would find the funny side of it.  

As said before, I do not feel that I fully fit in the world designed for dads.  Something to do with me, something to do with the life we live as 'normal'.  Nothing to do with assuming responsibility though. 

Through time I have learned to recognised some specific things that drive me mad.  So let me share them with you.  

First, there is the unexpected change.  Twins bring many changes, we know that, but they keep changing as they grow.  They also react to changes.  Day by day, there can be something new.  A skin condition, a coughing condition, teething, lack of sleep, reaction to new milk, new teats, new bottles, new cot/cot beds, new bed linen, new clothes, etc.  Changes in twins bring changes in you.  Myself I have now got used to get to the pharmacy quickly, call the doctor, take the twins for emergency appointments, rushing to buy something from the stores.  I was not used to sudden and unexpected changes.  I am still not used to them but at least I feel I do not go totally mad when they happen.  

Second, there is the lack of control.  We cannot control the lack of sleep.  We cannot fully control the financial spending on the twins.  We cannot control things at work.  What was a peaceful routine becomes an impossible nightmare to accomplish.  We cannot control our time anymore.  

Third, we still try to manage our professional careers.  When we try to do that, we find that the desire to move to another job, country or location, to push harder to meet new targets seems now farther away or more difficult to achieve.

However we life in a society of self-help.  And some books would tell you that it is possible to have family and still continue progressing in your career.

But for me there is something missing now. Call it the drive to succeed, the ambition, the energy, the desire to compete, the patience to endure (no pain no gain as mentioned before). Call it the tolerance, the positive attitude to life, the resilience.

Call it the old 'me'.

I feel that the old 'me' has lost a place in the world, and it is time to stop and think. I am perfectionist, rigid, I always play by the rules.  I force myself to the limit.  Even now I want to be the perfect dad.  Maybe I should start letting go of some of these things. 

Whilst the 'old' me switches to a new 'me', I find the following tips useful to deal with the day to day of being a dad of twins:

• Say no.  I used to be very very helpful and say yes, even to avoid feeling guilty or unappreciated.  Now I think twice before saying yes.  
• Focus on one or two things at a time.   Both at home and at work. 
• Save energy for the important stuff.  Energy is limited.  So it is the time that we have available doing important things.  
• Do a bit of exercise.  Just a bit.  
• Reduce traveling (that includes going to the supermarket) 
• Organise papers, receipts and throw away stuff when you feel anxious.  

And there is also some useless things I have heard, and tried to apply, with no success.

• Ask desperately for help.  Help comes in many forms.  Many of these are good for mums, not for dads (you can read my previous posts on this)
• Talk to the wife and ask her to let you sleep (because you are the breadwinner).  What about the other way round, if the wife asks you to let her sleep?  We both need sleep, so this should be a fair arrangement. 
• Talk to people.  I still have not found anyone who could really share the feelings that I have.  Maybe I need to kidnap another dad and ask him to listen for hours.  Honestly, I have tried to talk to people but I get the usual mantras "it will be OK after a while"; "it is hard work"; "congratulate yourself" (for what exactly?) I end up being tired, useless, a bad dad.  
• Work from home.  I have to do it, but it is not pleasant.  I end up juggling things.  As my job involves writing, I have to avoid that inspiration turns into desperation. Definitely a topic for another post!

Good luck with managing your own madness.