I am sure you were expecting that. This is the academic father of twins that is possibly going through another depressive cycle. Well, this blog is my way of venting my thoughts and showing how I am becoming somehow mad.
The clubs. Run by mothers, with the best intentions in the world. Very committed members. Well organised. I go to two clubs. They both have a routine. They both give my twins something to eat. There is plenty of toys to play. And of course there are mostly mothers around, checking on the children.
But being a father, one of the possibly two that I have seen, is difficult to talk to other adults. I may sound over enthusiastic. Or maybe I appear to be too friendly, or too distant. What could be wrong with me?
Or maybe I look like an unusual father, turning up at times when majority of the fathers are working.
My first conversation: I explained I am flexible with my work. I also explained it is summer so I am not currently teaching. But I felt I was explaining too much, as if I needed to justify my presence at one of the clubs.
Other conversations: I ask people about their children. I 'lecture' another father of twins on the journey ahead (please read a previous post). I ask about the music that is being played and get to talk to a mother who is also catholic. That was nice,
Apart from these memories, I can only recall a feeling of invisibility. I stand somewhere in the room. I check on my twins. But I cannot relax. I feel I am out of place. I check on my watch constantly.
What am I looking for? Someone to talk to. I'm not looking to bite anyone. I am just another human being who is slowly dying inside if I don't talk.
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