There is the common belief that once you have kids your opportunities to socialise will flourish.
That could have been the case a while ago, or in societies where a bit of trust still exists. Not anymore, not where I live. Not as an immigrant father. Not as a father of twins who wants to meet other fathers.
Socialisation has been institutionalised. In the UK you have to join groups that are recognised as legitimate. The play group. The church. The group where your background is acknowledged.
Forget about meeting another father or mother in a park where children play. Forget about trying to get to know kids and parents in this way. Forget about casual encounters in the shopping centre, museum or the pool. This is not official. You cannot trust anyone that looks friendly. You have to go through the official channels.
Socialisation is for mothers who go through safe ways to socialise. It is not for fathers. They can show up in the park but only on week ends. And they must be accompanied by the mother of the kids.
Otherwise they will look suspicious. Or they will be told in a friendly way "I see your hands are full". What does this mean? To me this means "poor you, I feel pity, but I am not ready to socialise with you, ask you more questions, get to know you or let you get to know me".
Sadly, this institutionalised socialisation has taken away a dear friend from us. Because after you accept the official channels you become involved in many activities that are only for those who want to belong to the official group on a regular basis. My friend does not have time for anything else. Or so she says.
We have tried to socialise in a more humane way, but today we are nearly ready to give up.
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