Going out

The 'instruction manual' for parents of twins suggests, if not prescribes, that parents should venture to go out, meet other parents, socialise, breathe fresh air, let the babies know the outside world.  This, regardless of the weather and season.

Me and wife tried to follow this suggestion to the letter.  In the first month of life of our twins we did not go out at all.  We were physically and emotionally drained.

After the first month we decided to go out.  We bought baby carriers and a twin push chair. We have used these many times.

However I have to say there is something that the manual does not tell you.  It is that you have to be emotionally prepared to go out and enjoy the experience.  As if dad, wife and twins were blank canvasses or  empty glasses waiting to be filled.

But you do not decide what is to fill your day.

OK, I see where people asking us to go out more are coming from.  They might see us (wife and I) as isolated creatures from the real world, living in a small place, getting tired and worrying more than enough about our twins.  Going out will make life less boring, less ordinary.  Going out will also allow us to meet other people (possibly other parents of twins), and share your experiences, so that we do not feel that we are the only ones whose lives have been turned upside down. Going out will make us remember who we are as individuals.

But...here comes the but (from a male perspective).

Going out is emotionally and physically draining.  It involves a lot of things: Preparing the push chair or carriers, getting the babies ready, making sure we go out at the time when their sleep is not disturbed, walking down streets with low levels of noise; making sure we go back with ample time to prepare their next feed; making a list of things to do (buying food that we forgot to buy on line).

You might say that we can go out and take everything with us, including the twins' food.  But we have tried this and the twins do not eat as much when we are out.  They can get really grumpy.  Is it because of their short age, because they are not used to other people, or is it because of their own personalities?

We really do not know, but we would not like to upset them too much whilst we find out.

On top of the normal worries that going out takes, there is also another shock.  All of a sudden we are the new celebrities.  No one (literally no one) used to look at us on the streets before.  We were just people.  Now we are the parents of twins.

On the nice side, many elderly people look at us and give us a smile.  Sometimes they stop us to ask about the twins: "are they identical?", "are they letting you sleep?".  They leave us with a nice feeling.

On the not so nice side, the less elderly are less polite and say "it is hard work is it not?", one of my 'favourite' mantras if you have read my previous post entries. I sometimes think of answering: "Yes, are you going to help or what?"

Going out some times feel like we have to pose for a picture, we have to smile and say that having twins is wonderful. Yes, it is wonderful, but it is not wonderful to have to say it lots of times.

And even when we meet friends when we go out (and we trade in tips on parenthood), time seems to go very quickly and we get stressed because we have to go back, to the life that only wife, twins and I know.  It is the life at home.  The one that no one else but is interested in.

My take is that going out with the twins should be more about them than you, it should not be about you escaping from home.  Yes, like every other human being we some times feel imprisoned, as if every day was the same (wife calls this groundhog day); so there might be time to nip to the shop around the corner, or go for a walk.  You as a dad will also find your own preferred activity when going out, your own preferred place to go and your own preferred pace.

But going out should not be draining.  It should not be about pleasing the crowds out there.  I do not think our twins would like this either.

So dear dads: when the 'manual' of parenting twins tells you to go out, think twice.  Make a plan, a ruthless plan of how you and only you and your twins are going to benefit; and forget about the rest of the world.

Be careful with your time and energy.  Remember, energy only lasts for so long.  And going out is just a drain of energy, which I hope someday will become a source of joy and relaxation.  But at the moment it is not.  Sorry.